Today I got a call I dread. Every time my cell rings when I'm at school I hold my breath a little before I answer it. No one calls to just chat when I'm at school. If my cell rings it's an emergency. And today was no different.
12:35 I look at my phone. 1 missed call. Babysitter.
Crap.
I skip the voicemail and just call her back. Ben has a fever. Again. 102 this time, last week it was only 100. Crap.
I can't leave and thankfully Mom is home. (Thanks again, by the way.) Mom, pretty please can you go get my sick kid? Again.
Call the pediatricians office. Chat with the very nice appointment clerk that happens to know my voice and first name. (This is not a good thing, people, not a good thing.) Whew, a cancelation means they can get Ben in within the hour.
Oxygen level is 95. Not great. Not horrible. Thankfully it doesn't mean a trip to the hospital. We hang for a bit and I teach Ben all the names of the Star Wars characters that adorn the walls. After about 5 minutes he can easily identify Yoda and keeps giggling as he points to the crotch of the life sized Darth Vader wall cling.
In comes Dr. Y. If I haven't mentioned already, he rocks. He has his customary medical student with him. Yes, it's okay if she comes in. I know Ben is one of his favorite patients to show off when he has a medical student. He's got loads of good teaching fodder to go over. We play 20 questions for bit. I pass with flying colors. The med student, not so much. We chit chat and then get down to business.
He listens to his chest for an awfully long time. Long enough to make me nervous. I know better than to ask when he's listening but dang is it hard not to.
Pneumonia.
CRAP!
Mega antibiotics, more breathing treatments, call him at home if he gets worse. (See I TOLD you he was awesome.) Ben sits on his lap for awhile and hugs him when we leave.
School hasn't even started yet and it's starting. He's already getting sick. And the seed has been planted in my head. Am I doing the right thing by keeping my teaching job or am I doing the selfish thing? No one put that question on me, it just popped in my head about 2 hours ago. I want to work. I won't lie. I like it and I think it makes me a better mom. But is it hurting Ben? Would he be healthier if I stayed home with him? I really can't know the answers but it's bugging me tonight and I think I've got some soul searching ahead of me.
Oh hun...ouchie. That's got to weigh so heavy!
Posted by: Kimberly | August 18, 2008 at 11:01 PM
Ugh! And all of this while Chris is away. I don't know how you keep up. You are such a good mom to Ben (and Evey of course!). ((((hugs)))) and good luck with your soul searching.
Posted by: Robin | August 18, 2008 at 11:03 PM
wow, that is a tough one. I know that you will make the right decision for you and your family.
Posted by: Renee aka MekhisMom | August 19, 2008 at 12:13 AM
I'm sorry. I hope things improve.
Posted by: Chris Cactus | August 21, 2008 at 08:37 AM
Oh Jen, I am so very sorry you have to go through this (and Ben too).
I know it's a HUGE decision for you and I will be praying that whatever you decide, will work out perfectly for you and Ben.
Posted by: Stephanie | August 21, 2008 at 07:37 PM
I'm so sorry about Ben! Poor kiddo. That's a tough call on working or staying home, Jen. It will definitely take a lot of thought. I hope you can figure out an answer.
Posted by: Christy | August 23, 2008 at 08:38 PM
Oh my goodness. I am just reading this and I hope to God that he is doing better. Not a great way to start the school year. I am so sorry. I really don't know how you do it.
As far as keeping your job, that is such a tough question. I loved teaching too. IT was my life and then when Allison was born I went back, and also felt proud of my choice to be a working mom.
That year when my husband got cancer and I was pregnant with Miles and in grad school, I missed so many days of work. Allison was a baby and was pretty sick in daycare. It was so hard, and I realized I was doing everything half-ass. I just didn't want to be that kind wife, mom, teacher, student. And I quit. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. I thought I would miss it like crazy. I thought I would feel like like I was doing less with my life, but I really have no regrets.
Not to persuade you either way, but I wanted to share my story and let you know I totally understand. You are not selfish at all.
Huge hugs,
Jen
Posted by: Not Just Any Jen | August 23, 2008 at 11:21 PM
Crikey, that's a toughie. I think many parents go through this anyway because kids being kids they get ill and fall over and get mystery rashes etc. But when your boy is ill to begin with it can only double the pressure.
You are really lucky to have the support of your mum and a really great doctor - they seem to be good signs that you're OK to stay on as you are.
However, no matter what you will always feel the Mum Guilt. It's just part of who you are now!
Posted by: Tara@From Dawn Till Rusk | August 24, 2008 at 04:35 PM
Hi - I can't even offer advice, it really is a heart decision. BUT, just to let you know I did the same thing. I taught sped for 8 years and loved it. LOVED my friends. But then I began questioning things too. I would NEVER get the time with my kids back. Through MONTHS of praying my husband and I decided for me to quit. I will NEVER regret that decision. Wesley is 16 now, Jesse is 13, and Chloe is 5. I homeschooled both boys through middle school. I will homeschool Chloe now. I TREASURE the memories I made with my babies and would not trade them for anything. If God wants me to teach sometime in the future I will. But right now I am loving the time with my kiddos!!!
Lynn
Posted by: Lynn | August 30, 2008 at 09:03 PM